This is a serious topic I am about to touch on. I contemplated being so honest with myself and with you guys. And then my Angels showed me and reminded me of the state I was in during my hardest times, the most painful times. And what I didn't have was this; something I can read and relate to. Feeling alone and unheard in your pain has got to be one of the worst feelings ever!
I'm sharing my story because I know it will save a life! I Know what it feels like to try to commit suicide, to have so much shame of how you've treated yourself, your body and soul. I know what it feels like to be in complete despair. I know that there is a girl out there who feels the way I've felt. To make certain decisions to try to make herself feel better, but the feelings of so much shame, and emptiness take over. She then attracts horrible events, she attracts more abuse, only to be right back to square one again.
I am here to tell you that You Are Not Alone. I'm here to tell you my story, or some of it. How your pain and abuse is indeed the doorway to your Life Purpose. And I'll explain that surviving many attempts of suicide and putting my life at risk with putting substances in it, was indeed the gateway to my success of healing. MY PAIN IS MY GOLD. And so is yours.
I know I was put on this planet to share my story and my gifts with the world, especially regarding suicide, and regarding feeling so unworthy it had resulted in me doing things again and again that just made me feel even worse.
Here it is : My Story
When I was 1 , my parents got divorced. I felt so scared and confused and thought that it was my fault. Going back and forth between parents made me feel so confused, as if something was wrong with me. My Mum then married another man, my step dad, who is awesome, but at that time, I didn't want a relationship with him, I wanted a relationship with my father which I never had. My father did not teach me how a man should treat me. I was so terrified of my father to even ask him anything, he was always angry; something was always wrong. And I blamed myself for that as well. At a very young age, there was a hole that needed to be filled, an emptiness.
My Mum gave me "the talk" about sex. She was very open and answered the questions I asked her. I asked her if sex felt good, she said yes.... So what would any curious girl or human do? I went and did that very thing because it "felt good". This resulted losing my virginity at age 12. I had sex with so many boys; I kept creating so many more holes in my being by doing this, and I thought that sex, which to me felt good to do at that time and I thought would "fix" how I was feeling inside, was actually making things so much worse. It was creating more holes in my spirit. This was an ongoing cycle... of doing the same thing again and again. This was the beginning of a horrific early adolescent and early adulthood. Because I was in that vibration, I attracted all of these painful events; at age 13 I attracted someone who used me, who would physically hurt me if I did not have sex with him and his friends. This one time he had demanded I give his friends oral sex, I said no; and he punched me multiple times in the head infront of his friends. I managed to get away and run home. And that was one of the first traumatic experiences I've ever endured. I asked myself "What did I do wrong?" I just didn't understand. My Mum was with me and we called the police. Even still, that stays with me and will forever.
Shortly after that incident, I had a boyfriend and when I found out he was cheating on me, I attempted suicide for the very first time. Surviving that made me even more confused, because I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE. I felt I had absolute no purpose, I did not know what I wanted in my life. I felt deep shame from what had already happened to me. Little did I know this was only the beginning of this painful early journey.
At age 14 I was sexually abused by my "friends" uncle, she knew as well, and to be honest, I am pretty sure he abused her too. And I am so sorry I did not say anything. Although it only happened once; he had followed me into a bedroom at their house, I remember him putting me on the bed, pulling my underwear off because I was wearing a dress and him putting his mouth on my vagina. I felt so disgusted. He was in his late 30's at the time. I would make excuses for him, "Well I don't look like I'm 14, I look like I'm 18." But the fact is, he still did what he did, and I was scared.
At age 15 I met someone shortly after that I fell in love with, and he had full awareness of what he was doing to me, he had full awareness of the manipulation he was doing. This is not a blame game right now, I am simply telling you my story. I did whatever he told me to do. When he went to prison (which I'm sure he wasn't even there, he just used me) even though I did not meet him yet, I would go out and sell my body for money. I would tell myself "Well, it's just sex." "I have sex all the time." And every single time there was an exchange of energy with my body and money, my spirit would crack even more. I thought if I did this for him, he would love me. Even after he slowly faded away, and stopped calling me, which by the way I didn't have his number to reach him, he'd always call me private. I still continued to work in that industry. Within that process I had 3 pimps, I'd keep money for the him, the guy I was in love with, and would give the rest of the money to the pimp I was with at the time. I'd also never personally give the money directly to him, the guy I was in love with, it was always through someone. I remember working track one night. Track is when you work on the street. It was only once.... but that experience alone was so dangerous and terrifying beyond words, and the customer I had, liked young girls. He told me I looked just like his daughter.
When he broke up with me, I tried to commit suicide again. This time at a friends house, she was so upset. I was not living at home at the time, my Mum didn't want me in the house, and I don't blame her, but I was suffering from serious abandonment issues, I felt so unwanted that when he broke up with me, I was so empty and in a state of complete despair. After that I was in a foster home, I was in a shelter, I also was admitted to the "mental hospital" because of my suicide attempt. And had to stay there for a month and a half to be "evaluated". My Mum didn't visit me much there.
I started dancing or "stripping" at the age of 17. And this is because I felt that I wasn't able to offer anything else to the world or to someone other than my body, and my pretty face. This began the journey of binge drinking, cocaine and other drugs to numb this pain. If there is one thing in common within these women, it is that we feel like we do not have anything else to offer the world. W've taken the easy way out in terms of living and making money. And I'm sorry if that offended anyone , but this is my truth, and I know that I am not alone. And my truth is, that we are all worthy if we choose to be! If we choose to see our pain as a gateway to healing and our life purpose.
For 7 years I danced and every time I stepped foot into that environment, apart of me would shatter even more. I felt such a deep shame in myself for being there; and that's when I started drinking heavily, and when I started doing cocaine almost every single night. I now see that I choose that lifestyle, to overcome it, and to help other women overcome their pain as well.
Many traumatic events took place within that time ... I almost died from alcohol poisoning in March 2015, my step dad found me puking while unconscious. It happened in front of my little sister who was 10 at the time. I felt such deep shame when I woke up with puke all over me, when I saw the couch pillows in the laundry room with vomit on them. When I woke up with a towel beside me with puke on it. I was going to commit suicide that day, but something in my being stopped me. Everything in my life was at a halt once again and I just felt so alone in my pain. I didn't want to look at this life that I created for myself.
In February 2016, I had got really intoxicated while working at the club downtown Toronto. I had started wandering off and I remember getting into a car with these guys. I blacked out, and when I woke up, I was in a hotel room with my pants off, and I know what it feels in that area when its been penetrated. And it had been. And I was also robbed $1000.00 from my purse from those guys. Talk about deep shame on a whole other level. I had just got intoxicated to have my body touched because I just couldn't stand the feeling of those men touching me at the club, then I was robbed of that very money and sexually taken advantage of. When I got home that morning, I tried to commit suicide. I went to my basement, and I had the wire around my neck, and was going to walk off that coffee table.... But again, something stopped me. I saw an Angel in my minds eye that time. So I got off the table and just started crying on the floor. At this point I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was drinking excessively. I was attracting these men into myself who were taking advantage of me, and I was doing so much harm onto myself.
A month later, after work I had went to one of the girls condo's to do cocaine and drink more. I felt like I couldn't come home because I felt very unwelcome at that time. My family didn't understand my addiction. And I understand why, and thats okay. We did ALOT of cocaine, mixed with alcohol and G. She had invited a guy over to bring us more alcohol and all I remember was him saying that he'd take me home, so I left with him. He said that we'd stop by his place. He fixed me a drink, and I ended up passing out.
I remember waking up to him taking my clothes off, but not being able to move. I was able to say stop a few times, but I was so weak I couldn't defend myself. He took my underwear off slowly as if I liked it. I was on my period, he took the tampon out, flushed it, came back and put his penis inside me. I was on my back and he ejaculated on my back. Still not being able to move, he wiped the semen off of me. This feeling of deep shame was going right through my body, my mind and my soul. I felt like "This is my life" , this has been and will always be my life. And I just couldn't take it anymore! The next morning I woke up and he tried to have sex with me again! I felt so disgusted with myself and with him... I forgive him, and I thank him. I was suppose to have that happen to me; to feel that pain, to understand that I indeed did attract that into my life, and that I need to share this story! I Know I am not the only one.
To be honest, I danced for two more month after that. When I finally cleaned my locker out and threw out everything in there, including my lock. The locker that had my stripper name "Kelly" in it. I left it, the club behind me, physically. However, that was just the beginning of healing. Now I do deal with the memories every single day of my life. I heal them by diving deep into them, by validating them, that they were not "mistakes" because if I was ever able to go back, I'd still make the same choices. Before I use to be so shameful of them. But now I know, it is my GOLD. And it can be your Gold too!
I've overcome these experiences, and I understand the lessons within them. That I am not the victim, God chose me to experience this to STOP the cycle of women who do this to themselves every single day. Who feel they are not worthy of more than their private parts and bodies. Who think they are not smart enough or deserve any other way of income. I experienced this to now help women overcome and understand their abuse! Your abuse happened to you so you can help yourself heal, for your over all expansion and to HELP OTHERS who are going through the same thing! Its my duty to tell you ... YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can overcome this by SHARING YOUR STORY. By having COMPASSION towards the choices you've made, not judgement and shame. This healing will take a life time. But it's worth it, because now I see and know my worth, and you can too!
And We Are Love.
And once you step into your power of healing and sharing your story, you will soon see and feel the power that has always been inside of you too!
Where am I now?
Here I am 10 years later from when the childhood abuse took place. And I'd be lying if I said I am happy of what has happened. There is no doubt in my mind that I am gratfeful, but pain is pain and I will always have to live with this. And looking back and seeing what I've learned about myself, I now see my Life Purpose. I'm gifted to work with Loving Angels and beings, to share my experience and wisdom. You can judge this story, That's Fine, Go Right Ahead. I understand why you would... maybe you can't make sense of your own pain.... And if you're judging me, I can only imagine how hard you judge yourself, and I have compassion towards you. I feel for you.
Be honest with your pain, be honest with yourself and your story! You will see the doors it opens for you. Remember that there will ALWAYS be a reason why you have experienced this type of pain and abuse. Your job now is to share it!