Alchemizing Sexual Shame
WEEK 5 - 6
Shadow Integration Ritual
Deeply in my heart as we step forward to claim our lives and bodies as Holy ... it is with great honour as I stand before you now to enter a part of the temple in which many of us sisters are terrified and afraid to walk through.
The Darkness of the Temple is of pitch black Cosmic Mother energy... holding us. With flames lit upon the walls... we see our womb blood on the alters as we offer it for peace... and in the centre of this room, lies a spiral of pulsing burgundy red frequency.
Magdalena awaits for us to enter... For when we enter... We completely re-birth ourselves.
Some of us are hesitant ... Some of us feel the pull... Some of us, know what lies ahead within.
Do we choose to enter the beloved temple of the sacred dark?
Where we can hold our deepest aspects in which simply want to be loved, heard and seen?
I am aware within myself... that for a very long time... any time in which I felt shame or pain ... I said No to it ... I immeditley said it was wrong. I said that it "held me back" to want to love this part of myself. How could I possibly love this part of myself, I would ask. How could I approve and hold space for all of the horrible things that I've experienced?
I felt, that if I did forgive... it would somehow make what happened okay on a moral level.. that I somehow deserved to be abused and raped... and taken complete advantage of. It made me cringe... It made me wants to cry and I'd distract and distract myself until my loving shadow was put into the temple of the sacred dark where she laid for a long time... waiting for me to love her. As she tried so hard many times to emerge and to be brought to Source ... she would attract situations, and people who would deeply trigger and activate her pain.
Enough is enough.
Beloved I stand before you because we have been pushing and pushing loving aspects of ourselves down down down, deep into the subconscious. without understanding and knowing that these parts of us are no different from the aspects in which everyone sees's and likes... these parts are equal to the "positive" and "acceptable" aspects of us.
As we enter this very important part of our journey through Sacred Sexuality .. I feel deeply in my heart that to know ourselves as love is to know that every part and aspect of us is love, and deserves to be heard, listened to and nurtured. The challenge that most of us face, including myself, is actually feeling safe enough to call these parts in and to walk within the depths our shadows.
We have been treated as women from the perspective of shadow masculine and shadow sexuality ... We've treated ourselves from this perspective ... growing up, this is what I thought love was. This is all i knew. Was the Shadow. Shadow within Shadow, unable the truth of what it truly was for me till the right time. I'm sure you can relate.
"Shadow is unintegrated love, and on the physical realm it looks like separation, shame and pain."
So here we are now beloved sister, and one thing is clear ... as we honour our Sexuality, as we honour who we actually are ... as we deeply begin the process of seeing ourselves as whole... we must be willing to love the aspects in which we don't currently think are lovable. And we can do this by directly communicating to these aspects of ourselves.
As the Magdalene comes in clear with a loving and soft YES ... she holds open these sacred doors of alchemy into the depths of our own hearts. She teaches us that that these parts of indeed lovable ... and to transmute does not mean to get rid of anything. It means to deeply integrate and turn the deepest grif and pain in to the gold and love it always was by choosing to listen and come face to face with these parts of ourselves.
So how do we go about that?
I have been deeply in this process myself ... and this process that I'm about to share with you, works; Sometimes when things surface for us, we do not know how to process it or hold ourselves. But within this process... you are asked to hold yourself with Presence... and asked to see this parts of yourself as a little girl... for that is usually what these parts of you are. They're fragmented pieces who were traumatized and a small child ....
As you go into the depths of your very own shadow...
May we See this place as Sacred... as Medicine.
As the cycle of the Rose in and of itself.
As the Magdalene in and of Herself.
I am with you, and hold you as you begin this process.
I've left you below the steps you need to integrate and love these parts of yourself.
You will be having a direct communication with certain parts of yourself... you will be embodying both the current sister who is reading this and is preparing for this practice ... and the shadow that wants to be loved, heard and nurtured.
SHADOW INTEGRATION RITUAL+PRACTICE
You will need
- a ceremonial space, clear of clutter and distration
- your journal and a pen/ pencil to write in
- a lighter
- 2 candles ; one red and one white - honouring both the sacred feminine and divine masculine within you
You can choose to write down all that comes through, then go ahead in burn it if you feel called to do so.
You can do this ritual whenever you feel that you are triggered, or you just feel like you've been holding on to some things for a long time ... and even feel like you've been hiding from yourself and the world.
Before we begin ... Let us Pray... As you raise you hand to your heart and womb ...
" I Pray ... Magdalena + Higherself ... My guides who deeply love me. May I know its safe to hold myself... may I face what it is thats being asked to love, nurture and be held. My I be in a loving energy of presence as I begin this journey of deep integration and alchemy. Thank you. I trust my soul! And so it is"
☽ Tune in and do a 10-15 minute mindful meditation... within the temple of the Magdalene.
She is awaiting you before a black corridor into an open space of black empty presence.
She asks you "Are you ready to walk through the sacred temple of the dark... to access your shadow and to see the medicine that it truly has for you?
☽ Answer a clear yes or no.
☽ See yourself walk through.
☽ Let yourself be consumed by the Dark.
☽ Whatever comes up for you ... whatever you see is what you are meant to see and feel.
☽ You can begin this process by asking yourself
"What part of me believes I am unlovable? ... I now invoke this part of myself to become me. What is difficult for me to actually feel? What part of myself do I hide from or avoid because I think its unlovable"
As you invoke the aspects that you believe make you unlovable, to make her presence to you ... say to her "I am here to listen... It's safe to come to the surface so I can hold you. What would you have me know now? Let's work through this together ... I am here to love you and meet your needs."
Nothing may come ... lots may come... Be Patient <3
☽ Whatever happens ... be present until you feel a story or beleif emerge ... beginning to show herself to you.
☽ When this happens ... begin to Embody this part of you ... Let this part of you consume you... and feel safe enough to go ahead and feel this with an open heart knowing that as she speaks though you, breathe in what you're saying ... as this part of you speaks and expresses ...
You can ask questions like...
"What do you want to say and express right now?
Remind yourself and her that its safe
☽ Actually have like a back and forth conversation this ... where you embody her, and then come back to embody the present you... you can do that. Like a back and forth conversation.
☽ Come back and forth to this aspect of you thats surfaced or that you see wants to be integrated and love, and the focalizer, the present you... who desires to transmute and love (not change) this part of yourself.... having a conversation... getting to know this part of yourself
**I understand that it may seem and feel like you're going crazy, having a full on conversation between two parts of yourself, out loud... but this is where the alchemy happens where these two parts of yourself can come to an agreement with some kind of healing."
☽ Ask her "When did you first decide to hide... When did you first begin to feel this way? Let her take you to the first time ... this is the root cause of this aspect of yourself. Remind her its safe to share with you.
☽ So... this part of you may have caused you some confusion in your life.... may have held you back from speaking up or going after what you want... from choosing self love. You might've gotten scared in relationships and pushed people away ... You might've experienced abuse and this part of you says that there is no way she will feel safe again ...This is perfectly fine, beloved. We are simply getting to know her. Sometimes when our present and conscious self wants or desires something ... other aspects of ourselves say FUCK NO , thats not happening because of a story, or belief of being hurt, or feeling shame, or abandoned.
☽ Now, ask your present self what you'd like to see happen here. For example... I am going to be traveling. But there was something inside of me that was telling me NO, you can't, and that it was somehow not safe to travel... So I did this process... the aspect of myself that merged was my inner little girl. She was afraid that if she travelled then her mom would not love her ... She also experienced trauma and abandonment when she did not live at home. So if she doesn't live at home, and if she's not with her mum... well she's really afraid and sacred of what will happen.
It was a back and forth conversation. My inner little girl really didn't want to leave lol ... But I continued to hold her ... and we made an agreement. I said ... well ... If I tell Mum how you feel... Will you feel safe enough to build sand castles and go on adventures with me? She said Yes. So now she feels safe to travel... allowing me to flow and feel safe enough to choose that. I also did this with a part of myself that felt I was unworthy to make money as a Priestess because she believed she only belonged in the strip club and prostituting, she felt she was only worthy of that... This part of myself ... deeply wanted to be seen as pure and... so in exchange for that belief ... I promised her that being a Priestess will give her soo much purpose... way beyond the strip club ever gave her. She said Yes.... but it was a back and forth process of holding myself deeply.
☽ You see that all aspects need to be on board when it comes to our desires. -- So , when you share what it is you'd like to see happen here... allow the other aspect of yourself to feel and respond, so that you could see where the entire time its been preventing you from feeling whole and at peace, or accomplishing something.
☽ As you continue to hold her, as you continue to let it be known of what she needs... and having a back and forth conversation. Share with her what you'd like to see happen here... ask her if she'd be willing to let it go for an exchange of something... ask her what she needs in order for her to let anything go.
☽ This process right here in and of itself... getting to know and holding your shadow and aspects of yourself, is a huge shift in perspective... You can do this with all parts of yourself that you feel you avoid in some kind of way.
☽ After you have come to an agreement or a deep understanding of this part of yourself. Truly thank her. And love her in those moments. Remind her that she's safe to say whatever it is that she needs... that you will sit down and listen.
Beloved ... You have just integrated some deep shadow that just wanted to be loved.
Deep bow to you beloved.
CEREMONY BELOW <3
Below is your meditation for week 5-6... as we do some deep integration shadow work with Mary Magdalene ... this meditation allows us to be held within her womb <3
I'll see you during week 7-8 when we approach self pleasure in a very gentle and sensual way! I'm so excited!
Lots of Love!